"No turning back"

A review of British Victims Of Abortion by Denise written on Friday 1st of June 2012

I was a very young, scared and immature 19yr when I had an abortion. I remember walking for miles in pouring rain terrified to tell my parents as they were pretty oppresive. I went between wanting it not be and the pushing relatives kids prams imagining it was my baby I was pushing. My mum was against me having my baby and didnt tell my dad. She suggested I clean the windows and do stuff to bring on a period. I was sneaked out the house and to the hospital to have the op. When I came to I remember swinging my legs out the bed and blood just flowing from me. I dropped to the floor and was sobbing wiping the blood with tissue and thinking 'thats my baby'. I was taken to an aunts house but by this time my dad had been told and said I could go home. I remember him coming in from the pub one night with a drink in him sitting at the end of my bed telling me I had killed his grandchild. That was what I thought too and still think. I have hated myself for many years -hated my failure to stand up for my wee baby. That was in 1986. I should have a 26year old son/daughter at my side. I now have a 21year old but it didnt take away the shame guilt and remorse of my decision. I used to blame my parents but I dont now. We are all victims of our own circumstances. My dad has a drink problem and my mum attempted to take her life shortly after I had the abortion - she was diagnosed as manic depressive following the death of my gran. I think she was going through this when I hit her with the bombshell that I was pregnant. I would never tell any young girl what to do if they were pregnant - but I would say it was the worst decision I have ever made in my entire life. I'll always feel a part of me is missing and that I killed my child - I've learned to 'accept' my actions. But its affected me, my self esteem and worth can be very low and I can be struck with fear and remorse at any moment. I just pray that in time when I die I get the chance to be reunited with my baby - its what keeps me going x.

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